Her Exhibition Of Bones
by Natta
Summary: Beka is suffering from an eating disorder that is slowly consuming her life. BekaHarper, eventually.
1. Decision

Chapter 1

"It doesn't matter what it was. One day it could be something really important, what if I fail then as well? Maybe it doesn't matter this time, but how can I be trusted to go on missions when I can't recover a forcelance?" The Maru doors closed in Trance's face. She sighed and walked off. Beka would come around eventually.

She grabbed a flexi and forcefully threw it at the wall.

"I can't believe I did that," she mumbled. Her thoughts went back to earlier that day. They had been on a diplomatic mission on another ship to discuss them joining the commonwealth. The negotiations had went well, but Dylan had brought his forcelance for security measures. Suddenly, a young man had ran up to him, grabbed his forcelance and ran away. He was very fast and quickly got to the upper level. Beka had grabbed a pipe to climb up and follow him, but was very embarrassed when the pipe broke in half and fell down. The young man had turned around, laughed and kept on running. The ambassador had reassured them that the pipe was weak and it didn't matter, and that they'd get the forcelance back. To Beka, it didn't matter though.

"What if it really matters some day?" she thought as she slumped down in the pilot's chair. "What if I really need to follow someone and I can't?" She thought back on the young man's face when the pipe broke. His face had been shining with glee. She knew what everyone had been thinking. She made such a fool out of herself.

"What do I do?" she pondered. She knew Dylan wasn't happy with her. She knew he'd be thinking the same thing as her; what if it matters next time? He hadn't said anything, but she knew.

"I need to do something about it," she thought angrily. "Normally I'd work out more to get fitter, but that's hardly going to stop things from breaking when I hang off them. The other way around, more likely." She looked around her.

"There's only one thing I can think of," she thought, "I need to become lighter. Then I can hang off things without breaking them, and I can run faster as well. It's the best solution." She sighed, "that means I have to cut down on what I eat." She knew she didn't eat much anyway, but avoided the thought. "I could stop eating meat and have salads instead." She felt a bit happier already. "And I'll try to work out more as well." Feeling happier, she got up and prepared to go meet Dylan to discuss how to get the forcelance back.


	2. No eating

"Is that all you're having?" Harper threw her a disbelieving look. Beka smiled at him.

"I'm not really that hungry," she lied, "besides, salads are good for you." Harper shook his head as if she'd gone mad.

"You've gone mad," he said and tucked into his thick steak. Beka giggled at him, and slowly nibbled on her salad. It didn't satisfy the hunger cravings in her stomach, but it satisfied something else. She felt good about herself, she felt she was accomplishing something.

"This will fill me up," she thought sternly to herself, and took another bite of lettuce. "And then I can get thinner without being hungry." She took one last bite and pushed the plate away. "Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not going to eat this. Never mind, being a bit hungry never killed anyone." Harper gave her a quizzical look.

"You already done there?" he asked. Beka nodded.

"I told you, I'm not really hungry. Besides, I've got things I have to do," she said, quickly getting up to leave. Harper shook his head and returned to his steak and sparky.

Beka returned to the Maru to change into workout clothes. She was planning to have a jog around the corridors. She never normally jogged, but figured it was something she could do to burn off fat without building too much muscle. After all, it was lightness she was after, wasn't it? When she'd taken her clothes off she stopped to look in the mirror before putting her other clothes on. She grimaced at the mirror image. She'd never thought of it before, but now that she really looked, she did look a bit chubby.

"And to think I went around showing this off with short tops and tight clothes," she thought to herself, puzzled as to how she couldn't have noticed before. She opted for some more covering workout clothes instead of the normal tank top and shorts before leaving the Maru. When she came out she was surprised to see Trance standing there, not appearing to be doing anything special.

"Oh, hi Beka," she said absently, "going to work out?" Beka nodded slowly.

"Yeah...why?" Trance shook her head.

"Oh, nothing. Mind if I come?" Beka smiled.

"No, of course not." They started running down the decks together.

Trance tired quite quickly and retired to the hydroponics garden, but Beka wanted to keep pushing herself. She kept feeling it wasn't enough and she should push herself more, until she nearly collapsed. She struggled to catch her breath, and didn't notice someone coming up to her.

"What are you doing Beka?" a voice said, and Beka looked up.

"Dylan! Oh...I just...thought...I'd take...a jog," she said, still attempting to catch her breath. Dylan smiled.

"Don't push yourself too hard Beka," he said, "go back to the Maru and have some rest." Beka nodded and looked at his back as he walked away.

"I will," she mumbled, "but you never told me what way to go." And she started running again.

About 15 minutes later, Beka stumbled into the Maru, gasping for breath. She quickly grabbed a glass of water which she gulped down in only a few seconds before collapsing in the pilot's chair.

"Once I've done that a few times it should get easier," she thought, but she wasn't sure who she was trying to convince. Her belly was rumbling as well, but she tried to ignore it. She'd only had that tiny bit of salad so far, but she wasn't going to give in to the cravings. She closed her eyes and soon fell into blissful sleep.


	3. Self despise

Dylan was having a slow walk on the Andromeda decks, when suddenly, crossing a corner, he bumped into Beka. He reached out and grabbed her shoulders, but was surprised when he noticed they were shaking.

"Fancy running into you here," he said. Beka gave him a strained grin.

"Ha ha ha," she said sarcastically. "You're so hilarious, did you know that." Dylan nodded, mock seriously.

"Yes," he said, "would you like to hear some of my jokes?" Beka giggled.

"No thanks," she said, "I've got to keep running." Dylan sighed.

"Beka, you're shaking." She glanced at him and shrugged.

"No, I'm not." Dylan gave a disbelieving laugh.

"But Beka, I can feel you. You're shaking." She pulled away from him, noticeably ashamed.

"I'm not," she said, raising her voice. "Now can I go, Captain?" Dylan took a step back at her sudden hostility. He nodded slowly, and watched as she ran off.

"Rommie," he said, "is there anything strange about Beka's readings?" He didn't want to say anything but the last time she behaved like this was when…when she took flash. Rommie popped up.

"Physical exhaustion and lack of nutrition. Seems like she's been using more energy than she's taken in today." She sighed. "No Dylan, there are no signs of flash. Don't worry." Dylan looked guilty

"I wasn't thinking that," he lied. Rommie raised an eyebrow.

"No," she said. "Of course not." Dylan smiled at her and kept on walking. How could he have believed she'd be taking flash, just because she was a little edgy? Lack of energy, that would explain it. Her actions had a perfectly normal explanation, she'd eat something and she'd be fine. He shook his head. Maybe he should cut her some slack and stop worrying all the time. After all, what was the worst thing that could happen?

Beka stumbled back into the Maru, gasping for breath like she had the other day. It had been four days now since she'd decided to start losing weight and she was quite pleased with her self-discipline. She'd only been having minimal amounts of lettuce and water, and even though she was hungry, the feeling had subsided slowly the longer she resisted it. She sat down on the floor, hitting her shoulder on the wall on the way down.

"Ow," she sobbed, surprised as she felt tears running down her cheeks. Since when did she get so upset over something so trivial? She banged her fist on the floor, creating more pain.

"Stupid bloody wall," she cried. The sniffles slowly wore out, and she stumbled up to a mirror, critically studying herself. She'd never felt such a despise for her body before. Well actually, she hadn't cared before.

"So why do I care now?" she briefly asked herself. She knew the answer. Her body had never been a problem before, because it hadn't stopped her from doing things right. Until now. It was the same thing as with the flash. She'd tried to make everyone happy, and got herself addicted to the stuff in the process, nearly killing herself. She shook her head.

"That wouldn't happen now," she reassured herself. "I'm just losing some weight, not taking drugs." She shuddered as she looked at herself in the mirror. How could she not have noticed? She took her top off and critically studied herself further. She pulled her stomach in as much as she could and sighed. It didn't make much difference.

"I can't go around looking like this," she thought angrily, "I can't believe I have this far." She knew she was exaggerating, but somehow it didn't matter. She'd gotten herself into something, and she'd be damned if she wasn't going to succeed. She took out a new top from her drawers, one that she hardly ever wore. It was a big and bulky sweater, not her normal kind of clothing, but it would work for now.

"Until I've lost enough weight to look good in tank tops again," she mumbled to herself, hoping that would be soon. She was already feeling hot in the sweater. She tried a smile at herself in the mirror.

"I can do it," she reassured herself. "I can do it." So why was she feeling so afraid?


	4. Suspiciousness

"Hey boss," Harper called out as she strode past him on her way to command, "what are you wearing? Not exactly your usual dress code, is it?" Beka blushed. She couldn't tell him the real reason why she was wearing the sweater, not that he wouldn't know anyway!

"I…I just felt a bit cold," she said and smiled at him. Harper frowned.

"Um, I think it's the same temperature as always," he said, sounding concerned, "maybe you're sick or something?" Beka shook her head.

"Oh no, I'm definitely not sick," she said, then turned her back to him and kept walking. "I was sick before," she mumbled, "when I thought…" She didn't want to complete the sentence. She walked onto the command deck, and although her unusual attire gave her a lot of glances, no one said anything. She slumped down into the slipstream chair, ignoring the stabbing pains in her stomach, along with the urge to be sick. After five days of almost total starvation, she'd got used to the pains, and they were dulling more and more.

The shifts on command had started to seem longer and longer, and Beka felt she had no energy left at all when it finally ended. For once, she actually chose to go to her Andromeda crew quarters rather than the Maru, mostly because it was closer. She went into the bathroom, avoiding the mirror and instead stepped up to the scales. She took a deep breath.

"Should I really do this?" she asked herself. She wanted to know if her efforts had paid off, but she was also scared of what the scales might tell her. She took a deep breath and stepped up on them.

She gasped. She'd lost five pounds already. She'd never really been into the whole losing weight thing, but even she knew five pounds in five days was a lot. A smile crept it's way on her face, before she dashed to the mirror, and the smile disappeared again.

"Where's it gone?" she mumbled disappointed. Sure, she'd lost five pounds, but there was no difference. She didn't look different at all. By now she'd completely forgotten the idea of losing weight had been to be lighter, so she could do missions better, not to look good. She shook her head.

"It's not enough anyway. I've got to lose more." She slumped down on the bed, but quickly got up again. "I forgot," she thought and grimaced, "if I really want to lose weight, I have to exercise." She decided to take off to the gym to have a go on the treadmill. At least then she wouldn't bump into Dylan.

She could hardly move. She'd collapsed next to the treadmill, gasping for her breath back. Her throat was dry, and she wished she could have some water, but there was no way she was going to get it. She knew she'd overdone it, but somehow she hadn't cared until she couldn't physically do it anymore. This thing was seriously affecting her mind, but she wasn't about to admit it.

"I have to keep going," she thought furiously and managed to get herself up, but her chest hurt so much, she finally decided to call it a day. Suddenly, Tyr entered the gym. Beka swore under her breath. She'd been trying to avoid him, as he was the most likely to notice she wasn't eating. He glanced over at her with a superior look.

"A serious athlete knows when to stop," he said shortly, studying her gasping and sweating. Beka gritted her teeth.

"Maybe, but I'm no serious athlete, am I?" Tyr raised his eyebrows.

"You might find your exercise will go better if you actually have some energy intake before." Beka blushed.

"Yeah, I was just about to…go eat something. Anyway, what business is it of yours what I do?" Tyr shrugged.

"Nothing." Beka breathed out. It didn't seem likely he'd pursue the matter. After all, he didn't care about anyone but himself, did he? She tried to tell herself it was because of the way she looked, but she couldn't even believe that when it came to him. Tyr wouldn't care if she weighed fifty stone or five. She shook her head and left the gym, deciding to have an early night. After all, sleeping was the best way not to feel the pains. She decided to go back to the Maru this time, crash onto a bunk and be fine in the morning.

Yep. She'd be fine in the morning. Or at least that's what she thought.


	5. Noticing

Slipstreaming had been getting harder as Beka always felt so weak, but after a month of nearly pure starvation, she'd got quite used to it. The scales were telling her she'd lost a lot of weight, nearly two stones, but she couldn't see it on her body.

"I must be even fatter than I thought," she thought and shivered. "The fatter you are, the longer it takes to show. At least I think so." She was dressing up for a formal dinner the crew were going to, celebrating a new world's entry into the commonwealth. Rommie had, as usual, demanded her to wear a dress and she'd picked the least revealing of them, but it still wasn't a substitute for her bulky sweater.

"It'll have to do," she fumed and brushed the skirt down roughly. She sighed and stepped out of the Maru, onto the hangar deck. The Heskartans, a very traditional species, had insisted on picking them up in some sort of special occasions ship. It all confused her, but Dylan insisted they follow the Heskartan tradition.

She glanced at the table in front of her. So much food! Her stomach turned at the thought of it, though partly, she wanted to ravish the table.

"No," she reminded herself, "I'll have some food, or Dylan will have a go at me for insulting their hospitality or something like that." She shook her head and sat down, unfortunately placed next to Dylan. She sighed.

"So," she said, "is there going to be a lot of speeches? Cause…uh…" Dylan glared at her and she smiled nervously. "Never mind."

"Would you like some of this meat Miss Valentine," a wide-eyed Heskartan waitress asked her. "It's finest thigh of mountain dog, a delicacy among our people." Beka smiled, trying not to show her disgust. The Heskartan continued, "we've also prepared some dishes we found in your database, things you humans might enjoy." However unwilling Beka had been to go to the dinner, she had to admit, the Heskartans' hospitality was admirable.

"Um, I'll just pick some stuff out," she said and smiled. The Heskartan bowed and left. She looked at the selection and gave a small sigh. There were no signs of salads, or any other low-calorie foods. Dylan cleared his throat behind her and she quickly put a few bits of meat on her plate. She glanced at him.

"What?" He smiled.

"Nothing. Just," he leaned in and whispered to her, "the Heskartans get quite offended if you don't like their food. It's their pride." Beka nodded, swallowing an imaginary lump in her throat.

"Ok," she said, "I'll just eat like a good girl. It's not like it matters anyway. As long as it doesn't happen again, it should be fine." She determinedly cut out a bit of meat and brought it to her mouth. She retched before it even touched her lips. Dylan gave her an angry glare, but no one else seemed to have noticed. She shook her head and tried again, but this time, she just couldn't do it. Her head was screaming "NO!", and the piece of meat seemed to turn into mountains of lard, enormous, hundreds, thousands, millions of calories that she'd never get rid off. She dropped the fork and breathed heavily.

"I can't believe that happened," she thought agitatedly, "I can't believe I…can't eat." She looked around desperately, hoping there might be some salad around now. She knew she didn't have much of a problem eating that, she'd generally eat a little salad now and then, just to have something going in. She sighed in despair when there was none, and looked down at her plate.

"I can't eat it!" she thought. She felt so pathetic. She knew she didn't want to eat, but she hadn't realised it was that bad. A small voice in the back of her head wondered if there might be a problem with her. She swiftly retaliated.

"No, the only problem is that I'm fat," she thought sternly. "It's just my subconscious trying to protect itself from looking, and being the way I am. There's nothing wrong with me." She cut up the meat on her plate in very small pieces and moved them around, trying to make it look like she'd eaten. Though she wasn't too bothered, she knew Dylan didn't want to offend the Heskartans.

"Beka, what are you playing at?!?" She cringed. She had hoped this wouldn't be coming, but judging by the looks he'd been throwing her all evening, there really wasn't much hope. She turned around, ready for what was about to come.

"I'm sorry Dylan, I…" She paused, not sure what to say. He glared at her.

"You knew how important this was," he said. She gave him a pleading look.

"But it turned out ok, didn't it?" He sighed.

"Yes, no thanks to you. Senator Hark asked me why you were so hostile, and I didn't know what to reply." She frowned.

"Hostile?!?" He nodded.

"I told you, the Heskartans take great pride in their food and hospitality. Well, let me tell you, you were an awful guest today, and I was ashamed of having you as my first officer!" Tears welled up in Beka's eyes and she looked away, trying to hide them from him.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to hide the sob from her voice, "I'll just go now." She turned around and walked away, but Dylan stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, "I didn't mean that. Beka, is there something you'd like to talk to me about?" She shook her head wildly.

"No," she quickly replied, "I'm absolutely fine, why?" He sighed.

"Well, I'm no expert, but when Sarah was depressed she'd keep forgetting to eat. I didn't want to mention it, but I've noticed you've lost a lot of weight lately. I just thought…well, if you want to talk about it, you know where I am."

"I'll remember that, but it's nothing, honestly." He smiled at her, and Beka stood, watching his retreating back, with a feeling of joy over her.

"He noticed," she thought, "you can see I've lost weight." She smiled to herself. It wasn't nearly enough, obviously, but it was a start.

"So," she thought, confused, "why didn't I just say I was on a diet? People go on diets all the time? Nothing wrong with it." She couldn't answer her own question.


	6. Things get serious

She stepped up to the mirror and slowly pulled the sweater over her head. She smiled at her reflection. After Dylan had pointed out she'd lost weight, she could actually see it and the protruding bones proved to her it was all worth it. She ran a finger along a rib, marvelling at how thin the skin seemed. She couldn't remember it ever being so thin before. She smiled at herself in the mirror.

"Not that it's enough," she reminded herself, "I've still got some fat here," she squeezed a bit of skin on her stomach. She undressed completely to study the rest of her body. Her hipbones were jutting out slightly. She was pleased with herself.

"I need some new clothes," she thought, annoyed as she put her trousers back on. The only way she could get them to fit was by making new holes on belts, but the trousers would fold up when she tightened it and it was quite uncomfortable. "I don't want to tell Dylan I need a smaller size though," she thought. She knew losing weight was a good thing, but Dylan could be quite anal about stuff like that. She bit her lip. What to do? Then she suddenly had an idea. She raided her cupboard of all the trousers that wouldn't fit her anymore, which was…all of them. She then started to work through them, ripping them all up.

"Now," she thought, "how do I explain this to Dylan?" She decided to go talk to Harper.

Harper was working in the machine shop when Beka entered. He looked at her, and just like every other day, she looked ill. She looked so pale and Harper kept wanting to ask her what was wrong, but every time the words got stuck in his throat. She'd always been the strong one, and he believed she wanted to keep it like that. Still, she didn't look like the strong, independent captain he knew. She looked so fragile and vulnerable, sometimes it scared him. She walked up to him.

"Hey," she said, "I, um…sort of had an accident. Short story, I need new clothes. Wanna come shopping?" Harper smiled. She knew his weakness for buying clothes. Normally he wouldn't admit it, it was something girls generally liked to do, but after living on Earth, wearing whatever rags he had to spare, being able to buy clothes you liked was heaven. Beka knew this, but she was pretty much the only one.

"Sure boss," he said, "what does Dylan say about it?" She bit her lip.

"He's been a bit weird lately, hasn't he?" she whispered conspiratorially. Harper frowned. If anyone had been weird lately, it was her! But he wasn't going to disagree with her now. If he could get on her good side, maybe he could figure out what was wrong.

"Uh, yeah, a bit," he said, "but I'm sure he won't mind us going shopping. I'll go ask him now." Beka smiled.

"You're so sweet, Seamus," she cooed. Very un-Beka-like. Harper frowned as he left the machine shop, going to look for Dylan. He really needed to find out what was wrong.

Beka took one last bite out of her tomato. Once she'd started to lose weight properly, she was relaxing a bit. Eating something small a couple of times every day, like a tomato or a bowl of lettuce wasn't really going to hurt, was it? Harper came in and saw her eating. He looked relieved, but she wasn't sure why.

"Yeah, he gave the all clear." She raised an eyebrow.

"That easily?" she said as she swallowed her bite. He shrugged.

"He seemed to think you needed some R&R. Besides, it won't look very good if you're piloting half-naked, will it?" He grinned. "Actually, it would look very good…" She smacked him with the back of her hand as she laughed.

"You're mad Harper. You really are." He smiled at her, and she sighed pleasantly. It felt just like the old days. Before…she swallowed. She wasn't going to think like that.

"So, where are we going?" Harper trailed around, looking at the different shops. Beka was a bit clueless.

"Um, you're the shopping expert." He shrugged.

"All right, we'll go to this shop then." She nodded and they went in. "So," he said, "what size are you, and we can go have a look over there." Beka stiffed up.

"What…size?" she said hesitantly. He grinned at her.

"I think they measure the inches around your waist. We can do that over there," he pointed to a shop clerk. She swallowed. For some reason she didn't want Harper to know her waist measurement.

"Why not?" she asked herself silently, "I've lost a lot of weight, I should be proud." But she wasn't. She didn't want him to know. "Um," she said, "why don't you have a look at clothes you might want, and I'll see you in a minute?" He shrugged and walked off, looking at T-shirts. She rolled her eyes. Harper already had a copious amount of T-shirts. She walked over to the clerk.

"Can I help you?" the lovely red-haired woman said in a lazy voice. This obviously wasn't where she wanted to work. Beka shifted uncomfortably.

"Um, I'm looking for some trousers, but I'm not sure what size I am." The woman nodded and pointed to Beka's shirt.

"Lift it up and I'll measure you," she said, sounding completely uninterested. Beka threw a glance over at Harper. He wasn't looking, so she hesitantly lifted her shirt up slightly. The woman raised an eyebrow but didn't say a word as with a trained hand, she quickly wrapped her tape measurer around Beka and as quickly took it back off again. The woman shook her head.

"22 inches," she said with a slight shudder, "that's…um, I don't think we have anything in that size. Well, you'd have to go to teens, but you're probably too tall for them. Let me go have a look." Beka bit her lip.

"Um," she said, looking at the woman's healthy slim figure. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you do? Cause there's no way I'm thinner than you…" The woman broke her off with a cynical laugh.

"I'm 27 inches," she said, "oh, and whoever told you skeletal is pretty, they were lying. You should really put some weight on those bones." She walked off and Beka sat down, her legs shaking. No way was that woman bigger than her. She had to be lying. But why would she lie about that? She shook her head and smiled. Had to go to teens! She wasn't that thin! Beka decided the woman was probably new.

"Here we go, these are 23 inches, but hopefully they should fit," the woman said as she came back with a bunch of trousers. "Sorry, but they were the smallest ones that would fit someone your height." She gave Beka another glance. "Think about what I said," she added. Beka gave her a strained smile, and walked over to Harper. She covered up the size of the trousers. 23 inches was quite small, unless you were a kid, but as it was the store that had weird sizes, there was no need for Harper to get all worked up if he noticed. After all, it wasn't her. It was the store!

"So you got some then?" Harper said, giving her a smile. "Uh, I found some T-shirts I'm going to try on, so I'll see you after." He went off to the men's changing rooms and as Beka looked around her, on impulse she grabbed a few tops of the rails. She'd never enjoyed trying clothes on before, but as she was losing weight…maybe it could actually be fun?

The trousers fit her quite nicely, and she changed her mind about the woman. Maybe she did know her job after all. They were a bit loose, but with a belt they'd be fine. She threw a glance at the tops she'd brought in. They were the kind she used to wear before, but a smaller size. She put one of them on and gasped.

"I can't wear that!" she thought as she looked at herself. "I haven't lost nearly enough weight yet." Tears started to form in her eyes and she furiously wiped them away. Looking thinner wearing a sweater was all good, but skimpy tops were for the really thin people. She tried to strain a smile as she pulled the top over her head. Soon. Soon she'd be thin enough.

"So, you liked them then?" Harper said as they left the shop. Beka nodded.

"Yeah, they were quite nice. And you, how many T-shirts did you buy?" She grinned at him, and he gave her a mock shy look.

"Only seven," he said. She started to giggle, then frowned. She wasn't feeling very well. Her head was spinning, and her legs suddenly felt very weak.

"Boss?" She heard Harper's voice, but couldn't quite place it. Was he next to her? Or far away? She wasn't sure, and she started seeing fuzzy as well. She tried to grab onto something as she fell, but it was too late.

The world turned to blackness.


	7. Determination

"Beka? Beka?!?" Harper's eyes widened in distress. He crouched down next to his friend, who was laying on the floor unconscious. He looked around, but couldn't see anything that might have caused her sudden collapse.

"I have to get her back to the Maru," he thought desperately. "But how?" Looking around, he spotted a woman running towards him, working herself through the small flock of viewers that had collected around Beka.

"I'm a nurse, let me through," she stated in an annoyed voice, and Harper reluctantly took a step back. She glanced at him. "Are you with her?" Harper nodded quickly. The woman started scanning Beka with a little device she got out of her pocket. She shrugged.

"It seems like she's just suffering from lack of energy." Harper frowned.

"You mean she hasn't been sleeping properly?"

"More like malnutrition, or dehydration. She might just be sick. Has she had any problems with her health lately?" Harper slowly shook his head as he tried to think.

"She hasn't quite been herself lately," he admitted, "but she never said anything about being sick." The woman nodded.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," she said. "Do you live around here?" Harper shook his head.

"No," he said. I'm going to take her back to our ship. We've got a medical officer there." He was sure Trance would be able to work out what had happened. The woman nodded, and a man stepped up.

"You can come into my store and contact your ship," he offered. Harper smiled in gratitude. He then glanced at Beka, laying still on the floor. What could possibly be wrong with her? He only hoped Trance would know.

Beka slowly opened her eyes with a groan. The last thing she could remember was shopping in the mall with Harper, then suddenly…she groaned louder. She'd passed out, hadn't she? She looked around her. Med bay. Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit. How was she going to get out of this one? Trance stepped up to her, her purple face looking worried.

"Beka," she said softly, "do you know what happened?" Beka thought for a second, and decided to play dumb, shaking her head. Trance sighed.

"Well, you passed out in the mall. I've found out that it's due to malnutrition. Beka, what's going on?" Beka desperately tried to think of a good enough explanation that Trance might fall for.

"I'm, uh…" she smiled at her friend, trying to stall her. "I haven't been feeling well lately." Hoping the medic would leave it at that, she tried to sit up. Trance moved around the bed, staying in front of her.

"Really?" she said. "You should have come to me Beka. What's wrong?" Beka sighed, trying to think of what could have caused her to pass out.

"Um," she said, "well I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days, and I've been throwing up a lot. It's probably just a tummy bug." Trance smiled.

"Oh well, I can easily fix that! If you'd only come to me earlier, none of this would have happened. Oh well, no point in dwelling on that, just sit down and I'll…" Beka paled, shaking her head vigorously.

"No!!! I mean, no Trance. I think it's over now anyway. I'm just going to go have…some food." She quickly left med bay before the purple girl could intervene, sighing in relief. She hoped Trance would leave it at that. As she walked out of med bay, she saw Harper, sitting down on the floor, leaning against the wall. As he spotted her, he immediately jumped up and gave her a big smile.

"Hey boss! You're all right!" He looked as if he was about to hug her, but changed his mind at the last second. She gave him an uncertain smile.

"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, uh, I was just…not feeling too well. Sorry about that." Harper shifted, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Um," he said, "I brought your stuff with me back." He gave her a shy glance. "It's all on the Maru." She smiled. Though it hadn't been on her mind, she was glad she still had her stuff, if nothing else it spared her another shopping trip. She scratched the back of her head, feeling awkward. Since when did she feel awkward around Harper? When she looked at him, she noticed he seemed to be having the same problem. Pain struck her somewhere in her chest. Was this…thing driving them apart? And if it was, was it worth it? Beka suddenly felt like running a mile. She cared a lot about Harper, and it made her feel guilty. Her dieting had caused her upset.

"Stop assuming he was upset," she reprimanded herself. "Maybe he wasn't upset." She shook her head, trying to get all those thoughts out of her head. After all, just because…she'd be upset if there was something wrong with him, which there always was, didn't mean he would have been. But then again, he'd been sitting there waiting for her, hadn't he? She imagined Trance had thrown him out of med bay. The mental image nearly brought a smile to her lips. Suddenly, she wanted to rip her hair out. All these thoughts, they couldn't possibly be good for her! She shot Harper a quick grin.

"I better go…have a rest or something. Thanks for…you know. See you later!" She gave him a little wave and quickly set off for the Maru. He didn't follow.

Harper's arms fell limply down his sides as he saw Beka's retreating back. Maybe what she said was true - he had no reason not to believe her. But…something made him feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. He knew something was wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Her actions, her appearance, it all added up to something. Only, he didn't know what.

"Maybe I should go talk to Dylan about it," he thought, but shook his head straight away, dismissing the idea. "She'd kill me." No, talking to Dylan would be bad. After all, it might be nothing, but Dylan could be such a sucker when it came to these sort of things. He'd just make things worse by introducing his suspicions. "Maybe she's telling the truth," he thought. "Maybe she really just is a bit under the weather. After all, why shouldn't I believe her?" But the gnawing thought wouldn't go away. What if she wasn't telling the truth?

Beka's feet were hitting the Maru's floor hard as she walked in, making a loud noise. She banged her fist in the wall.

"Great going Valentine," she thought angrily to herself. "I have to be more careful. Maybe I got away with it this time, but I won't keep getting away with it again and again!" She went over to the mirror and cringed.

"I look so pale," she thought. "Maybe I should start using make-up or something?" She didn't usually, but it seemed like a good idea. She knew she had some somewhere…it normally just didn't seem worth it. But if it could hide her sunken cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes, it might be a good idea after all. She leant closer to the mirror and frowned.

"What the hell is that?" she mumbled. She'd never, ever had it before, but it seemed she was growing facial hair. Small, blonde hairs were coming out across her cheeks. She made a disgusted grimace. An ignored part in the back of her head knew that what she was going to herself caused everything bad in her life. But when she looked down at her body, she knew it would all be worth it.

No matter what it took.


	8. A new turn of events

"Boss?" Beka stopped and turned around, forcing a smile at her friend. He looked like he'd been running, bending over and panting. It took him a few seconds before he could continue. "I missed you at dinner yesterday." Her face paled as she remembered. She had been meant to meet Harper the night before for dinner. How could she possibly forget, with all the fretting she'd been doing over it? He'd asked her to join her at the beginning of their shift, and she'd spent all day trying to think of a way to avoid eating. When she'd got back to the Maru, she'd just been so tired. Actually, she was always tired, but at the end of her shifts she generally felt ready to pass out. She faintly remembered laying down for a minute, telling herself it would only be a little rest…

"Shit," she said, more to herself than Harper, "I didn't wake up after that, did I?" Harper frowned.

"Huh?" She flinched and looked over at him with a forced smile.

"I'm so sorry Harper," she said, "I must have fallen asleep." She was fighting a battle in her mind. Getting through a dinner without eating was hard. It was really hard, especially with only the two of you. At the same time though, she didn't want Harper to feel like she didn't want to know him. She valued their friendship very high, and losing that would be too painful. She finally decided. "Can I make it up to you?" she said, trying to sound sincere, "I'll meet you tonight, maybe a bit earlier," she flashed him another smile. He grinned at her, apparently satisfied with that reaction.

"Got ya," he said, nodding. "How about I meet you at six? That way I've got a while to prepare." Beka frowned.

"Prepare?" she asked quizzically. "What's there to prepare?" She gave a small giggle. "Auto chef, give me…whatever." Harper shifted, looking embarrassed.

"I know," he said, "but…you'll see, ok! Just come to the obs deck at six." He smiled at her and she watched him walk away with a bounce in his step. What was he up to?

Harper swallowed. Was he doing the right thing? He wasn't sure at all, but it sure as hell felt like the right thing! He winced as the match burnt him and quickly blew it out, then took a step back to admire his handiwork. He was an awful cook and had already acquired the food from the auto chef, but the decorations were all his. He swallowed as he looked down at the properly laid table. He'd put on a white tablecloth, along with flowers and candles. It wasn't their usual dinner setting, and he hoped Beka wouldn't be repulsed.

"She can interpret it however she wants," he thought, trying to reassure himself. "I could just be…trying to make her feel loved?" he thought. "As a friend. Or I could be…" he swallowed. He wasn't even sure what he was trying to do. Harper generally just went with his instincts, and this was it. He just hoped Beka wouldn't laugh at him, or worse, never want to talk to him again. He quickly glanced at the time. Nearly six. He swallowed. The day before he'd done all this and she hadn't showed up, which had been quite upsetting. He just hoped she'd turn up this time. Luckily, he didn't have to hope for very long. Beka entered the obs deck, wearing the same clothes as she'd worn all day. When she saw Harper's setting, she froze, wide-eyed.

"Oh," was all she said at first as she took in the view. "I didn't realise…I'd have put something different on." Harper sighed in relief. At least she hadn't ran out yet…or laughed. He gave her a smile.

"Oh, no need," he said, "You look fine." She smiled at him and went to sit down, glancing over at the food. She raised an eyebrow.

"Don't tell me you made this yourself?" He laughed.

"Me? Of course not!" He was very relieved the conversation had taken a casual turn.

"If you wanted a casual turn, why did you set things up like this?" he asked himself. He wasn't even sure. Did he want it to be casual? Maybe. Maybe he wanted things to be…different. He wasn't sure, so he decided to let things go however it went and sat down, piling food onto his plate.

"So," Beka said, taking a sip from her glass, "why the set-up?" Harper blushed, trying to keep his face hidden from her. He cleared his throat and tried to do the same to his mind. It didn't work all that well.

"I just thought…" he stuttered, "Um…I'm not sure?" By that time, Beka looked every inch as embarrassed as he felt. She quickly took a gulp of water from her glass and choked, starting to cough violently. Harper threw her a worried glance.

"You ok?" She nodded while she coughed, eventually stopping, giving him a faint smile.

"Sorry about that," she said quietly, fingering her glass nervously again. Looking anywhere but him. Inside, Harper cursed himself. What had he been thinking? To his surprise however, Beka flashed him a smile.

"It's sweet," she said, and Harper nearly dropped his fork in surprise. Sweet? It was sweet? Not ridiculous? Not stupid? Not hilarious? Sweet? He shifted happily, pleased with himself. Sweet was good. He gave her another testing smile and nodded towards the food.

"Have some," he said generously, "I noticed you didn't have any lunch. You must be hungry." Beka's smile faded and she squirmed in her seat.

"Er," she said, "I did have lunch." He frowned. He could have sworn she didn't, but it was hardly anything to argue about. After all, why would she be lying about whether she'd had lunch or not? He reached for the dish and spooned some food onto her plate. She looked strangely…repulsed. He frowned.

"What's wrong?" he said, "there's nothing wrong with the food, is there?" He looked at his own plate. It looked fine. Beka quickly shook her head.

"No, of course not," she said unconvincingly. "Of course there's nothing wrong with it." Still, she dropped her fork and looked around her. "So," she said, "had you set it all up like this yesterday?" Harper nodded, looking away and she gave a guilty "Oh".

"It's ok though," he hurried to say, "I mean, it doesn't take a lot." She gave him a serious look.

"I'm sure it did Harper, and I'm really sorry. I can't believe I stood you up like that." Harper tried to shrug it off.

"You fell asleep, did you say?" She nodded, and he frowned. "Are you sure you're ok?" She nodded, a little too quickly.

"Yes," she said shortly. "I'm fine." Her tone had grown firm, and Harper knew not to argue with that.

"So, um," he said, trying to avoid any conversation that could possibly offend her. That was quite hard, being Harper, but he awarded himself an A for effort. "I was thinking the other day, isn't it time for shore leave soon?" Beka giggled.

"Shore leave? We only went shopping a week ago." Harper shook his head and snorted.

"That doesn't count!" he said, "I mean proper shore leave. Going off to a planet somewhere, sun, beach, sea. It'd be great, and we haven't done that in…ages!" Beka wrinkled her nose.

"Eww. Not a planet." Harper tilted his head and did a pouty lips gesture.

"Just think of all the good things," he said as his mind drifted off, "sun bathing, swimming, big lovely hotel beds, moonlight strolls on the beach…" He cut himself off when he realised he'd gone a bit far. Beka had a confused look on her face.

"Harper…" she said, "since when do you like moonlight strolls on the beach?" He shrugged.

"I don't know," he mumbled, "I'm just saying, we should go. Maybe just you and me, you know. Away from Dylan and everyone. I think it'd be good…" he paused. "I think it'd be good for you," he had been about to say. Bad choice of words. "…for both of us," he finished. Beka shook her head and leant forward.

"Harper…what are you trying to tell me?" He looked down at the table and blushed again.

"I don't know," he said quietly. "I don't know what I'm trying to tell you." She started picking at her food, and he noticed she hadn't eaten anything yet. Bad time to point it out though. He suddenly stood up, slamming the knife and fork down on his place. Beka gave him a startled look and stood up as well as he walked around the table.

"You'll probably hate me for this," he said, "and I'll probably hate me too but…what the heck." He grabbed her by the shoulders and planted a hard kiss on her lips. He knew he'd be pushed off straight away, so he figured he might as well make good use of the millisecond he'd have. To his surprise, she didn't resist him. She actually responded. What started out rough, turned soft and gentle, but deeper at the same time. He'd never kissed anyone taller than him before, and on that aspect, it felt wrong…but on all other aspects, it felt so right. His hands were holding her neck, pulling her closer to him as the kiss deepened further, but they were slowly roaming downwards, wanting to touch her, to _feel_ her.

"NO!" she suddenly pulled away, looking terrified. She pulled her arms tightly around her, as if she was trying to protect herself from something. He wanted to cry. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, "I…I should go." She quickly turned around, fleeing the obs deck, leaving Harper standing there, his arms hanging along his sides, with the taste of her still tingling on his lips.

She stepped into the Maru, the feeling of his tongue roaming her mouth still fresh in her mind. It was so wrong, she knew it. But it had felt so right, so natural…until his hands moved. She couldn't have him touch her. No one could touch her. Not while she still looked like this.

"So," the annoying little voice in her head said, "you're letting your body-image destroy what could be something great?" She shook her head. She knew what the solution to that was. Lose more weight. That way her body couldn't ruin anything else. Because…there was no way he could have wanted to do that. There was no way he could be, she frowned, attracted to her. Not with the way she looked. She sobbed as she realised what it was.

Pity. He felt sorry for her. He was the only one who cared for her no matter what she looked like, because they were so good friends. So he thought he'd let her think she was attractive by doing that. Pity. That's all it was. Pity. But the only way to remedy everything would be to lose weight. And she wasn't doing that anymore. Not properly.

She'd found it hard even to admit it to herself, but her weight loss had slowed down dramatically. She was so scared. Scared that she'd be stuck looking like she did. But she knew what she had to do. Stop eating anything. Drink minimal amounts of water. Double exercise. It would be hard, but she knew how important it was. Harper's kiss had proved that. A pity kiss. Other people got that, but not her. She'd never had a pity kiss before. She stumbled onto her bunk, tears streaming down her face. She was so tired. Passing out kind of tired. It only took her a few minutes as she cried herself to sleep, tears still running down her face.


	9. Muffins

Beka grinned as she stuck her fist in between the waistband of her trousers and her midriff. She'd definitely shrunk since she bought them. Ok, so she had to work a lot for it, but so what?

"Nothing worth doing is easy," she reminded herself. Suddenly, an alarm went off and she jumped in shock. "Oh sht," she cried as she ran into the kitchen, frantically searching for an oven glove or even just a tea towel. She pulled the muffins out of the oven and blew on them. They seemed fine.

She turned around and bit her lip. Maybe she'd overdone it a bit. The ingredients she'd acquired had nearly ran out, but she found baking very stimulating. Not a hobby she'd had before, but there was nothing wrong with something new, as long as she took care to wash her hands properly, so the mixture wouldn't go in her mouth. She'd vowed that nothing apart from a little water would go in there. But what was she meant to do with all these muffins?

Dylan walked into his quarters, stretching and yawning. It had been a long, straining day, and all he wanted was to have a hot shower and go to bed. As he walked towards the bathroom, he spotted a large box sitting on the table and frowned. He hadn't seen that before. He opened it and found quite a large quantity of blueberry muffins, with a small flexi on top. He lifted it up and started reading.

_- Dylan._

_I know I've been a bit distant lately, and a bit of a crappy first officer. I'm sorry I've let you down, and I promise to try harder in the future._

_-Beka_

He raised an eyebrow as he lifted a muffin up and absent-mindedly started nibbling on one. His thoughts started wandering, and turned to Beka. She had seemed awfully tired lately, not paying attention to her work, yet he'd often meet her working out in the gym. She also looked more and more hollow everyday, and sick. As he finished the muffin he sighed. What could be wrong with her? As it was now, she looked like a ghost, as if she couldn't do anything. Dylan was afraid to even touch her, in case she broke.

He got up and glanced at the box again. Did this…gift, mean that things would change again? He hoped so, but he doubted it. It was the wording of the note. A bit of a crappy first officer. It wasn't very Beka. She might have been distant, and tired, but not a crappy first officer. He wouldn't call her that. He'd never call her that. And the Beka he knew would never call herself that. He sighed. What to do? What…to do?

Andromeda's hologram popped up in front of Rommie, startling her.

"There has been a box left for us, um, you in the obs deck." Rommie raised an eyebrow. A box? For her? Who could that be from? Maybe it was from Dylan? No, he wouldn't. Harper? No, he'd stopped hitting on her lately. When she thought harder about it, it had been a very long time since he'd hit on her, or even ogled her. She shrugged. Not that it bothered her. But who could the box be from?

She reached the obs deck and immediately saw the box. It was right in the middle of the floor, a large metal box. She went up to open it, and frowned at it's contents. Banana muffins, unless her database was fooling her. Who'd give her banana muffins? She couldn't eat. She saw a little flexi laying on top of one of the muffins, and picked it up.

_- Rommie_

_Yes, I know you can't eat, but even an avatar deserves a treat. Do what you like with them. Keep them or throw them away. I'm sorry for not being the first officer I wish I could be for you. I'm sorry for letting you down._

_-Beka_

Rommie frowned. As far as she knew, Beka hadn't let her down. Well, she had been a little off lately, not quite the alert pilot and first officer she'd come to know. But from years of working with humans, Rommie had learnt they weren't like AI's. They had their bad days, and they had their good days. Humans were also very…fragile. She picked one of the muffins up and squeezed it, feeling it crumble in her hand. Just like humans. She watched the crumbles falling onto her knee, and a brief thought hit her.

"Is Beka crumbling?"

Tyr nearly sat down on the little box, but stopped himself at the last minute. He frowned. A box, in the gym? Who would put a large metal box in the gym? He studied it carefully, but couldn't see anything special about it. It had no inscriptions, no apparent locks. He shrugged and opened it, surprised at what he found. A bunch of plain muffins, with a small flexi on top of them. He briefly wondered who they were for, and who put them there, until he read the message.

_- Tyr_

_I figured you wouldn't eat the muffins I gave you, that's why I didn't bother putting any flavouring in them. You know, I might be trying to poison you or something. I don't know how your Nietzchean mind works. But I hope you can eat them, I'm sure the saturated fat won't dare to stick on your body. I'm sorry for being "just a kludge." I'm sorry for not living up to your expectations._

_- Beka_

Tyr gave a small laugh as he shook his head, reading the message. She really was full of surprises. He studied the muffin closely, then figured it wouldn't hurt and popped it in his mouth. He was disappointed that she'd got him wrong. He didn't see her as "just a kludge." She'd always been more Nietzchean than most humans he met, though he deeply regretted her sudden change. Modesty to the point of self-hatred was not a trait he'd known her to have. He knew what she saw in the mirror, though he wasn't sure what she was doing. He knew she was sick. Anyone could see it. Only…he wasn't quite sure why. Or what to do about it.

As Trance entered hydroponics, she immediately noticed something was wrong. A pink box was sitting in the middle of all her flowers, destroying the beautiful balance. She took it off and looked at it. No one onboard the ship would be having a pink box around, apart from her, that was.

"It must be for me," she thought cheerfully, opening it. A lovely smell hit her and she smiled as she saw a sea of pink raspberry muffins. "Yum!" she cried, then spotted a little flexi that had fallen down the side of the box. She picked it up and started reading while tucking into the muffins.

_- Trance_

_I figured you might like these. I'm sorry I haven't been such a good friend lately. Hopefully that will all change soon, but in the mean time, I just wanted you to know I appreciate everything you've done for me. I'm sorry, I really am._

_- Beka_

Trance frowned. Why was she sorry for? All she'd felt lately was concern for her friend. She knew something was terribly wrong, though she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Beka had seemed very, very sick lately and for each day that went by, the possibilities of her perfect possible future grew slimmer. If only she could manage to get Beka into medical for a check-up, but that was impossible. She didn't really have a reason to get Dylan to order it either.

"What is wrong with you Beka?" she mumbled as she picked up another muffin.

Harper was looking through his toolboxes when he found one box he hadn't seen before. It was a see-through glass box with chocolate muffins, his favourite, and what seemed to be a little note. He opened it carefully and pulled the note out.

_- Harper_

_I knew these were your favourite, so I saved them for you. I'm so sorry for what happened, I really am. But you should know, you don't need to do stuff like that to make me feel better. I know you only meant well, but you really don't have to pretend. I'm so sorry for being awful to you. I'm really, really sorry. I really care about you._

_- Beka_

The note was handwritten in Beka's scribbly style, something Harper rarely received. It looked like Beka had intended to write something else instead of "I really care about you," because something had been scribbled out. He squinted his eyes, but it was too well scribbled to see. He took a bite out of one of the muffins. It was wonderful, but he couldn't quite enjoy it.

You don't need to do stuff like that to make me feel better. What did that mean? That she thought he kissed her to make her feel better? For pity? She couldn't possibly…he'd always been the one who needed pity when it came to love. Beka? Everyone wanted her! She always found someone to pick up, and he was the one walking home alone. But still, what else could she mean? The chocolate turned bitter in his mouth as he furiously tried to wipe a tear off his cheek.

"Beka, what's happening to you?" he mumbled to himself. There really was something wrong with her. The last two weeks they hadn't been talking at all, but he'd seen her, and for every day that went past, she looked sicker and sicker. He just didn't know what to do. Was it just him? He threw the muffins on the floor, and they scattered all over the place, crumbles flying. He frowned as he saw little blobs of flour in the muffin, not properly mixed. The auto chef would never make that mistake. His eyes widened and teared up as he quickly collected all the muffins and gently put them back in their box. She hadn't used the auto chef. She'd made them herself, just for him. She'd got the ingredients and mixed them together, put them in the oven, done all that work just because she knew he loved them.

"Oh Beka," he whispered, "I love you. Why can't you see that?"


End file.
